2017-04-21 01:09:21 UTC
"The email popped into my inbox. “Perfect assignment for you,” it read.
I opened it.
It was terrifying.
“We’d like you to go to Starbucks and taste their unicorn frappuccino."
That, you know, is the crazy pink drink that changes colors and is all over social media. (It also has some baristas upset.)
“A little old English guy like me?” I asked when I spoke to the assigning editor (who shall remain nameless). And I do mean old – 62 in July. And I am still tempted to type “flavour.” Meanwhile, my officemates know I am averse to sickly-sweet drinks; my usual pick at Starbucks is a double espresso.
I am not a Millennial. I do not understand the unicorn emoji. But I said sure, why not.
And so it was that I found myself in line at my local Starbucks looking at a chalkboard with a colorful drawing of the pink drink in question, complete with a cute-as-heck unicorn.
A cheery barista took my order.
“What size?” she asked. “Small, please.” “That’ll be a tall,” she corrected me. Harumph.
I then watched the blindingly-colored beverage being prepared. First, there was a mysterious pink substance. Then some very dazzingly colored juice (I later discovered it was mango). Then some milk. I had imagined there would be some coffee in it. (Wrong!) Then it went in a blender. Meanwhile, the barista swirled some turquoise liquid on the inside of the cup before pouring in the mix from the blender.Then she put a mountain of whipped cream on top and sprinkled a pink and purple sherbet substance over that. I am told Starbucks calls it “fairy dust.”
Now it was go-time.
I grabbed a straw and I did it. I sucked.
And it didn’t. Actually, my initial impressions were quite good.
First flavor: The mango. Then the familiar taste of milk. And it wasn’t too sweet. Or so it seemed.
Then I swirled it, as prescribed by Starbucks. I felt like I was dealing with a fine wine.
Down from the side came the turquoise stuff. It was, um, interesting. Starbucks describes it as “pleasantly sour.” I call it just sour. Sort of like one of those Sour Patch Kids candies on steroids.
I took it back to the office. I usually have a coffee at my desk that I sip slowly all day, so I thought it could replace that.
Over about an hour I had the occasional sip as the drink turned into a pink gloop, enough so that about a third of it was gone.
And then it happened.
A sugar high.
Wondering why there are so many short sentences?
Now you know why."